How to avoid getting killed by an email

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We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has indeed just happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you. Also, everyone in your family is dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out!

These are the rules you must follow in order to not become the victim of chain emails and to come out alive and kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who kills you in your sleep. Just keep these simple rules in mind.

  1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
  2. Mirrors are a general no in chain emails as there is nothing more sinister.
  3. There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing that no one else can see, so don’t do that.
  4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, GTFO.
  5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
  6. If someone covered in blood stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
  7. Killing is the last method of survival. Use it sparingly, but without fear.
  8. Who was on the phone is always a good thing to ponder. If you don’t know who it is, don’t fucking answer.
  9. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. On the other hand, it is too well guarded to let any alien out.
  10. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, forests and at home in front of a mirror at night.
  11. Always have a Bible next to your bed. It provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
  12. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of sulphuric acid as, while water in the eyes is not nice, acid is probably be a better option.
  13. If you find 666 messages on your phone or email, consider changing the service provider. Also, don’t bother listening to or reading the messages. It’s spam. Sent by a demon, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
  14. If you need to sign it in blood, it’s bullshit. All genuine paranormal beings will accept contracts signed either digitally or in ink.
  15. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the centre of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself why… just why.
  16. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try Sky TV. They now install free!
  17. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
  18. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
  19. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
  20. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is. Not even Carlton.

Carlton

Follow these simple rules and little harm will come to you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

Also, if you don’t click a share button below and post this on your Facebook page, a little girl who died by accidentally dropping a Nokia on her face will come to you at 11:00 at night and kill you in your sleep. I am deadly serious.

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