How to avoid getting killed by an email

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We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has indeed just happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you. Also, everyone in your family is dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out!

These are the rules you must follow in order to not become the victim of chain emails and to come out alive and kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who kills you in your sleep. Just keep these simple rules in mind.

  1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
  2. Mirrors are a general no in chain emails as there is nothing more sinister.
  3. There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing that no one else can see, so don’t do that.
  4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, GTFO.
  5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
  6. If someone covered in blood stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
  7. Killing is the last method of survival. Use it sparingly, but without fear.
  8. Who was on the phone is always a good thing to ponder. If you don’t know who it is, don’t fucking answer.
  9. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. On the other hand, it is too well guarded to let any alien out.
  10. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, forests and at home in front of a mirror at night.
  11. Always have a Bible next to your bed. It provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
  12. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of sulphuric acid as, while water in the eyes is not nice, acid is probably be a better option.
  13. If you find 666 messages on your phone or email, consider changing the service provider. Also, don’t bother listening to or reading the messages. It’s spam. Sent by a demon, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
  14. If you need to sign it in blood, it’s bullshit. All genuine paranormal beings will accept contracts signed either digitally or in ink.
  15. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the centre of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself why… just why.
  16. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try Sky TV. They now install free!
  17. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
  18. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
  19. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
  20. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is. Not even Carlton.

Carlton

Follow these simple rules and little harm will come to you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

Also, if you don’t click a share button below and post this on your Facebook page, a little girl who died by accidentally dropping a Nokia on her face will come to you at 11:00 at night and kill you in your sleep. I am deadly serious.

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How to use a Mac

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So you got yourself a Mac. You have invested in the Apple ecosystem and you’re probably new to all of this. Before you get all cocky and consider yourself to be a rich computer god, you need to think a few things through.

Step 1: Telling everyone

First, and arguably most importantly, is you are not, repeat NOT, a ‘computer overlord’. You just have an overpriced computer with a glowing piece of fruit on the back. Yes, Macs are cool, but bragging is not. Let’s start on how to tell your friends. Telling them through a computer is OK, but think before you post.

This is not the way to tell people. You will lose a lot of friends very quickly. Instead of them going…

You’re the guy with the Mac, right? You’re epic!

It will be more like…

You got a Mac? Screw you. Did you know that millions of little Chinese kids died making that?

This is the way you should do it. It shows your friends that you consider yourself equal to them while humanising yourself with the admission of being a noob. Your friends will coincidentally become closer and will be always be asking to have a look.

Now you have your Mac and your friends all love you, you might think to make a movie. Well, I did anyway.

Step 2: Making your first movie

Macs are often used by creative people and, as such, many creative programs exist for content production on OS X. If you are just an amateur who wants to get started, you should use Apple’s own iMovie software, preinstalled as part of the iLife suite on every new Mac. It is very simple and has loads of bundled themes and effects, but they aren’t necessarily the best things to go for.

The option of a built-in theme is possibly the the worst idea for any film-maker seeking their own identity. I know you’re (probably) not George Lucas, but, with its crappy music and terrible transitions, any video like this uploaded to the internet will be trolled from all sides, posted on forums and ripped to shreds by haters. All the comments will be by pathetic idiots with nothing constructive to say. Expect things along the lines of…

ur a default n00b
i hope you never reproduce
worse than beiber
FIRST!!!!

Using the “No Theme” option will boost your creativity and spread your wings. giving you billions of new options that will allow you to build a film that is your own. If you go down the individual route, creating your own transitions and design, it will take longer but, done well, you may get some better responses.

Marry me!
I hope you win the lottery! :D
Look out Hollywood!
The dislike bar is smaller than Justin Bieber’s penis!!!
FIRST!!!

So, with only one small change in the settings, you will be a movie making legend.

After a small amount of time, your shiny Mac will start to fill up with programs, movies and pictures. What happens then?

Step 3: Clearing up the mess

You have been on your Mac for a month or two now, but you must remember its not a PC. It’s a Mac. Desktop items should be non-existent. So, if you spend your time dragging funny pictures off Facebook, you should stop right now.

Well done. You have destroyed everything your Mac stands for with your custom background and your jumbled mess. If this was a human, I’d shoot it in the face. Do the people around you a favour and clear it up. Until you clear up that mess, don’t even think about talking to me. Why the heck do you have all those stupid pictures on your desktop? Sort it out!

That’s better.  First, make some folders. An original Apple background or a minimalist image is definitely the best for your computer, with a maximum of 3 folders present on your desktop. Don’t just make a folder called “Everything” either. There is no point and I will hunt you down.

Now you have mastered things like the desktop, you might want to mess about with the settings.

Step 4: Changing the settings

One thing I hate about people with Macs is them changing the settings. They spend their time mucking around with the background change time and dock position. Why? Don’t you think Apple tried hard enough to make sure your experience good enough? It’s people like you that make Steve turn in his grave.

Look at this! You have changed the settings so that you get a different background every 5 seconds! Other then your computer lagging all the time and overheating when it try’s to go into standby, life’s perfect. You can see a different colourful default background every 5 seconds when not looking at your background! Well done. Slow clap GIF for you. Let me go post a Facebook status about it.

Wait a second. Where’s the dock? Oh, you put it on the side.

WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT IS THE POINT? SERIOUSLY!  WHY DID YOU THINK THAT THE LEFT HAND OF YOUR SCREEN NEEDED MORE LOVE? WHAT ABOUT EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO CLOSE A WINDOW?

Instant improvement. Seeing the dock in its rightful place makes me feel a lot calmer. I’m happy to say that I would love to use this Mac. Go into any Apple Store and you will see all the computers are set up like this. Why? Because that is how it is meant to be. Sir Jony Ive does things for a reason.

When I get stressed like to listen to some music on iTunes or Spotify.

Step 5: Listening to music

As a movie maker, I have quite a few sound effects in my iTunes library. Sometimes I forget this and sit down listening to some deadmau5 on shuffle when *BANG* I am shot through the brain with some gun sound effect I forgot to put in a folder.

When I sit down at my friends computer and see this I almost want to cry. Yes, it has sorted into automatic playlists, but  there is one separate playlist of one song! What is this madness? Also, I will be listening to some Alex Day when the wrong deadmau5 song will come on and ruin my happy clappy poppy mood!

This is the way it should be done. All my sound effects, audiobooks, music and voice memos have their own places and don’t get mixed up. I can continue to listen to my music in peace.

Now you know how to use a Mac. Have a GIF!

I have taught you all you need to avoid noobing out. Stick to these rules and you will experience your Mac as Apple intended. You will love it and it’s all thanks to me. Whenever somebody you care about gets a Mac, do the right thing and send them here. It’s the only way to be certain that they will make the most of the fruits of Apple’s labour.

Happy Maccing everyone!

Apple unveils OS X Mountain Lion

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In 2011, Apple launched Mac OS X Lion, an operating system that combined multitouch capabilities with a classic desktop OS but even after this short time, they have confirmed the release of an updated version to launch in the summer. OS X 10.8 Mountain Lion, confirmed on Thursday, is an improved and tweaked version Mac OS X that adds new features like AirPlay mirroring, iMessages and Notification Center, aiming to bridge the gap further between OS X and iOS.

Messages

The integration of iMessage and other services will greatly improve the iChat system. As a Mac user I am disappointed to say that I have never used iChat because, not knowing many other Mac users, I have a tendency to use Facebook and Windows Live to communicate. I do however know many people that have some sort of Apple product that uses the Message software. This will definitely make me use that software more, but, under all the fancy new features, the new name and slight redesign, it is just a update to iChat. But at least it has GIF support.

Notification Center

The Notification Center will be familiar to all iOS 5 users. The annoying thing that you pull down when trying to play Temple Run will now also be found on your Mac. I have never used this feature on my iPod other then to check my Facebook notifications, but it will be more handy to see what apps need updating. Other then that I find it pretty pointless but a nice touch nevertheless.

AirPlay Mirroring

One of the most advanced new feature of the software is AirPlay Mirroring, which allows you to duplicate your Mac’s screen through your Apple TV in 720p. In the past, this was only achievable by using a HDMI cable or with a device sporting iOS 5. This will be great if you have one of the hockey pucks or when the much rumoured real Apple TV gets released.

There’s loads of stuff in Mountain Lion and I have barely scratched the surface of this product. I’m definitely looking forward to getting to use the software and I will be sure to get it when it gets its Mac App Store release in the summer.