Samsung keynotes, especially ones laden with Jason Bradbury and his increasingly dreadful glasses, always make me lose the will to live, so here’s stuff that I’m trying to not pay attention to but can’t avoid.

The Galaxy Note 3 is a huge thing, as you’d expect, and it appears to be a hybrid of the Note II form factor, S2 fascia and cow-style® back. It has a 5.7″ display, 3GB RAM, Android 4.3, 13MP camera, 3200mAh battery and up to 64GB of storage. And a Spen, of course, with new Sfinder, Snote and Scrapbook apps. It comes in black, white and pink and is out worldwide on September 29th. Aesthetically it’s the nicest Samsung phone I’ve seen running Android in the history of ever, especially with an oversized orange flip cover. Still, TouchWiz.

The Galaxy Gear is a huge thing, as you shouldn’t expect, and it’s a smartwatch made of metal with totally legit screws (gasp!) and various colours of rubber strap. There’s an orange option, but for once I don’t care. Smartwatches are stupid and this thing even more so. It has a 1.9MP camera, a speaker and 4GB of on-board storage. Inside, there’s an 800MHz Exynos chip powering stuff and a 1.63″ 320 x 320 display. It connects to your phone to do stuff, making the idea of a camera on your watch strap look even more stupid, and it’ll cost $299 when it launches with 70 apps available by the end of the month.

The Galaxy Note 10.1 (2014 edition) is a huge thing, as the name suggests, and it’s a Nexus 10 screen glued onto a tablet that has Samsung’s 8-core Exynos chip that’s not octa-core no matter how many marketing dollars they use to try and convince you otherwise. Other than that, it’s a 10″ Android tablet with a Spen. If that’s the kind of thing that interests you, then this thing, despite its current lack of price or release date, will be your perfect life companion.

In case you couldn’t tell, I really do loathe Samsung events.