We’ve managed to get our paws on the script* for tomorrow’s Apple event, so here are a few snippets of what you should expect.

Apple Store.

“Take a look at our newest Apple Store, set in the picturesque surroundings of the Great Wall of China.”

Numbers.

“In the last year, we have sold 250,000,000,000 iPads. That’s more than all the creatures on the planet combined.”

Mac.

“Earlier this year, we announced new Mac products, including OS X Mavericks, would be released this fall. Today I’m excited to announce that these products will be released this fall.”

iPod.

“iPod Touch is still the most popular music player and portable games console in the world, and the iPod Classic still isn’t dead.”

iPhone 5S.

“Market research tells us that Apple customers love the colour of gold because it makes things look even more expensive, so we’re happy to have reinvented the colour of gold for the world’s most advanced smartphone.”

iPhone 5C.

“Here, you can compare our $100 smartphone with a $200 smartphone that doesn’t come in as many colours. Can’t innovate any more my ass.”

iOS 7.

“iOS 7 is the flattest iOS yet. Who needs advanced functionality when you can have garish gradients? Not our users.”

One more thing…

“People have been speculating about where we plan to take Apple TV next. Today, I’m pleased to announce that we are…updating it with an all-new A6X processor. To play us out, here’s Coldplay to sing about Gene Munster’s emotions.”

*Promises can’t be made about the validity of this statement.