Things That Should Exist: Clothes inspired by movies

Things That Should Exist is a column by James Trickey, but today it is written by Hannah Marsh. Things suggested are not always good ideas.

Hey everyone,

I know that Trickey normally writes the Things That Should Exist column, however he is suffering severely from writers block so I’m going to suggest a few things on his behalf, seeing as I have been so inactive recently.

Everyone has watched the Back To The Future trilogy, right? If you haven’t, go and watch it now and come back to this later. Carrying on, in Back To The Future Part II, Marty, pretending to be his own son, puts on a jacket and it looks absolutely ridonculous. Not only is it horrifically out of fashion, but it is miles too big for him, however seconds later it adapts to his size, keeping in exact proportions.

What I want is for all my clothes to do that, but to do other things too, like wash themselves instantly when I take them off, before proceeding to dry and iron themselves when you put them on. If we go really crazy then they could fix damages and sew on buttons as well. Ever since I was a child and I watched that film I have wanted my clothes to do that! In the real world of the 21st century, they’ve made the hoverboard and the shoes from Part II, so why can’t the jacket come next?

After reminiscing about Michael J. Fox’s clothes, I came up with another, possibly better idea. This isn’t really as suitable for guys unless they are actually fashion conscious – which we all know is impossible – but even so it’s a good idea! Every day when I take off my school uniform I ask myself what to wear. It’s a big dilemma, so what I want is to look in the mirror and for clothes to appear on the virtual image, but not on myself. That way I could say yes, no or maybe. When things get really hi-tech, I could even talk to the mirror and tell it what mood I am in and what I’m dressing for. I could change the colour of things and I could change the style of them too. But of course this amazing device would be useless if I didn’t have the clothes, so I want my mirror to be even more awesome, and it can then make the clothes on the virtual image appear. It would be really cool and increadibly useful. You could even save styles and items you like, building a database of preferences over time.

Last and by no means least, I thought of another film I absolutely love: X-Men. At one point in the first film, Professor Xavier is teaching and a girl, instead of writing her notes, is just thinking of what she wants to write and is moving her hand across the paper. I know we will never be mutants (never say never, but it’s pretty unlikely), but what if we could have a glove and a hat that, when put on, work together to translate our thoughts onto some ?sort of special paper? No more achey hands in lessons and exams. I would definitely invest in that.

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How to avoid getting killed by an email

We’ve all been there. You have just gone to a certain place, at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing and the thing you suspected would happen has indeed just happened, not to mention the fact that you’ve just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you’re going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you. Also, everyone in your family is dead, your friends are all missing and you’re being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now?

Well, you’ve come to the right place to find out!

These are the rules you must follow in order to not become the victim of chain emails and to come out alive and kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide you too can be the catatonic, traumatised wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who kills you in your sleep. Just keep these simple rules in mind.

  1. Mirrors and darkness don’t mix.
  2. Mirrors are a general no in chain emails as there is nothing more sinister.
  3. There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing that no one else can see, so don’t do that.
  4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the fuck are you doing there, then, if it is appropriate to do so, GTFO.
  5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
  6. If someone covered in blood stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
  7. Killing is the last method of survival. Use it sparingly, but without fear.
  8. Who was on the phone is always a good thing to ponder. If you don’t know who it is, don’t fucking answer.
  9. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. On the other hand, it is too well guarded to let any alien out.
  10. Invoking demons, speaking weird languages and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, forests and at home in front of a mirror at night.
  11. Always have a Bible next to your bed. It provides average reading material, proof of beliefs and a really heavy object to throw at enemies.
  12. Don’t count on Holy Water. Get a sturdy vial of sulphuric acid as, while water in the eyes is not nice, acid is probably be a better option.
  13. If you find 666 messages on your phone or email, consider changing the service provider. Also, don’t bother listening to or reading the messages. It’s spam. Sent by a demon, possibly, but spam nevertheless.
  14. If you need to sign it in blood, it’s bullshit. All genuine paranormal beings will accept contracts signed either digitally or in ink.
  15. Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the centre of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself why… just why.
  16. Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health, try Sky TV. They now install free!
  17. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
  18. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.
  19. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of the creepy little fuckers.
  20. If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is. Not even Carlton.

Carlton

Follow these simple rules and little harm will come to you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly.

Also, if you don’t click a share button below and post this on your Facebook page, a little girl who died by accidentally dropping a Nokia on her face will come to you at 11:00 at night and kill you in your sleep. I am deadly serious.