Category / Columns

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: Propeller Shoes

Things That Should Exist is a column by James Trickey. Things suggested are not always good ideas.

This week we move onto a completely different genre of object, that is if objects have genres, and by genre I mean type of object. You know, like on iTunes for example, clothing, toys and equipment can then be subdivided into sub-genres such as shoes, stationary and underwater equipment, providing a neat segue to the world of propeller shoes.

Let me make something clear. These are designed for underwater use only, which is why the underwater equipment brought me nicely to the topic, in case you hadn’t realised. I am not suggesting that there should be shoes that can allow you to fly because that would be preposterous (unlike all my other suggestions). These are for people who need to get places quick and have to travel via a large body of water.

This includes people who are trying to illegally trying to swim from some obscure Asian country over to England as they weren’t allowed to go by plane, and to be honest it would’ve made my job a whole lot easier because, in case you didn’t know, I am not supposed to be in this country right now.

You see, I was very tired after my long journey but this has would have made it a walk in the park as opposed to a swim across the ocean.

These shoes would of course be waterproof and, don’t ask me how, but they would be powered by some form of electricity. The shoes would have little propellers on the soles which, after being turned on, would propel you along the water at high speeds. It also means that, as human beings, we would be able to be even more lazy than we are now by removing another aspect of exercise and replacing it with technology.

To give you an idea of what these shoes would look like I have produced a picture in Paint for your benefit. Digixav can’t afford Photoshop.

And I know it’s crap but I just hope you can all appreciate that the white parts on the shoe are the propellers and they are helping him/her to swim along. If not then you can go and stand in a bin long enough that your legs get smelly and tired.

So that’s about it once again, and I hope that you can enjoy your lives every bit as much if not more after reading this than you did before.

HADOUKEN!!

by James Hardy

Technophobia: Orwell was 28 years too early

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

Welcome to China everybody! Yep, renowned file-sharing site The Pirate Bay is being blocked in the UK by five of Britain’s biggest internet service providers: O2, Virgin Media, Sky, TalkTalk and Everything Everywhere (aka T-Mobile and Orange or T-Morange). BT requested ‘a couple more weeks’ before announcing their position on blocking the website, but they are under no obligation to do so.

I can’t help but think that this is the beginning of a slippery slope. The government won’t know when to stop. They’ll block all file sharing sites, websites which have links to them, any search engines through which you can access these sites and, while they’re at it, why don’t they just block any anti-government websites? Oh snap, they just killed free speech!

They say that these sites take millions of pounds from the entertainment industry, but the truth is the money the industry loses is minimal. I download American TV shows from file sharing sites. Why? Because I can’t get them here in the UK. Show them over here, get more views, get more money from advertising, everyone wins. Simples.

Often the reason people download games from these websites is because they come out earlier in the US. People want things ASAP. Say a game is released in the US two weeks before Europe, and someone across the pond uploads to The Pirate Bay. So, if you live in the UK, you can have it now, or you can wait a fortnight to get it. I wonder what you’re going to choose? The same goes for films and music – release at the same time around the world and more people will pay for them. Fact.

The movies I download from file sharing sites are ones I wouldn’t go to the cinema to see. They’re ones I would wait to see on TV. I’m going to see The Avengers in the cinema because it’s going to be awesome. If I can be bothered, I might even write a review on STR. But other movies, ones which tend to get a resounding ‘meh’ from critics, I would download. So, film industry: make good movies and I will pay to see them. Cinemas are overpriced, too. It can cost me £20 for a movie and some popcorn. That’s too much.

The entertainment industry needs to get with the times. Services like iTunes, Netflix and Spotify are doing brilliantly for themselves. That is what the people want. Whatever they want, wherever they want, whenever they want. The entertainment industry wants you to go to a real shop and buy a DVD. Sad though it is, human beings are lazy. They don’t want to do that. The entertainment industry needs to make things downloadable. Why not have file sharing sites where you have to pay some money which the industry gets to download something? Everyone wins.

Blocking The Pirate Bay won’t work. People will use things like proxies, *insert more technological terms here* etc. to get round it. And blocking it will just mean more sites like it will appear. It isn’t the answer.

File sharing sites aren’t losing the entertainment industry money. It’s bringing about its own downfall.

Another news story that came out last month was that of the government introducing a new law so they can monitor our email, phone and web use. Whenever they feel like it. Just like that. Which, according to the Home Office, will be used to tackle crime and terrorism. Of course. It’s interesting to note that Labour tried to introduce similar plans when they were last in power, but they failed due to massive opposition to the proposals, mainly from the Tories. But it’s fine now they’re in power, erm, why exactly, Mr Cameron?

The government will be able to look at any website you’ve visited, group you’re in contact with or email, text or phone call you have made from the last two years. Without needing permission from anyone. And to those people who make the ‘I have nothing to hide’ argument, you are unbelievably naïve. Would you want someone to be able to open your post and reseal it? I think not.

So while the government criticises China, Iran and other countries with similar regimes for taking similar measures, they do exactly the same back here. That’s fair. At this rate, it won’t be long before they control exactly what we can and can’t do with the internet. They’re not far away from controlling our thoughts.

Anyway, seeing as how the government could block this site if they wanted to, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to call them lying, hypocritical bastards. Turns out George Orwell predicted what was to come pretty damn well.

Enjoy the future, people!

This article was originally published on Stuff Things Rants

by Eddie King

Birdwatching: How social networking can (stupidly) ruin your life

Birdwatching is a column by Eddie King. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

My first post may have been a little limp wristed so far as rants go, but, when checking the news, I sometimes get the unexplainable urge to shout at the authors of some of the UK’s worst articles. So, despite it being rather late, I have to alert all of you to how intelligent we really are. because if the level of intelligence required to be a technology journalist amounts to this particular article, then we must all be bloody geniuses and shouldn’t have any problem in taking over the world when we are older. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first of many social networking rants.

I do hope you will take the time to read the article from MSN in full but my attention was drawn by an example about half way through about a man who was sacked from two jobs and fined £1000 for a single tweet. The article in question was entitled “how social networking can ruin your life” and it was basically stoking the anti-Facebook fire and bringing up some real world examples of the effects of being normal in the twenty-first century. First off. I need to protest at the principle that a single phrase comprising of less than 140 characters can cause such a stir as to turn a good man’s life into living hell. At the moment we are fighting several wars and are in the middle of social unrest and confusion on a scale that has never been imagined before due to the world getting smaller, what with racial, sexist and ageist (yes, it exists) abuse and having to live our lives around the idiots who invented health and safety. You really expect me to believe that anybody gives a rat’s fart about some guy complaining about delays at a small airport I didn’t even know existed? It is an outrage.

But now we must discuss the statement at hand. After delays at Robin Hood Airport, a man tweeted about blowing the place sky high in frustration. He was the sued for bomb threats and charged with sending a message that was “grossly offensive or of an indecent, obscene or menacing character” and sacked from his jobs over the scandal.

Crap! Robin Hood airport is closed. You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high!!

Generally I do not approve of text speak in written work but I think just such an abbreviation sums up the incident very nicely, that abbreviation being WTF‽ Words don’t even begin to describe how stupid this really is. If the guy really were intent on blowing stuff up, do you really think he would put it on Twitter? And even if he did, he was charged a week later so if he was a terrorist then he could have blown old Robin Hood Airport and many others “sky high” before he was sent a letter asking him to rephrase his annoyance.

I completely understand the government’s need to censor and watch social networking sites and what is being written on them, but the airport didn’t get bombed and the man had no history. It just seems like a case of finding a reason to prove an innocent man guilty and this is unacceptable – almost as bad as the man who went to jail for commenting on the on-pitch heart attack of Bolton Wanderers player Fabrice Muamba. I do not follow the Bolton Wanderers every move intently, and so I only heard about what happened in passing, but it did occur to me that the chances of a young football player who is in peak physical condition having a heart attack and being taken to intensive care were pretty slim. Now, imagine an avid fan who is 21 and is studying biology at university. The worst part of this story, however, is that he was sent away for racial abuse. Racial abuse? Because of a heart attack? The charge is just wrong. There are plenty of horrid people out there but sending a guy away to jail for being a hater and then blaming it on him being a racist is just a little extreme in my eyes.

There were some valid ones too where various illicit pictures were involved but, to be honest, on a computer you always have the off button whereas in real life a lot more can happen with far worse consequences. I think people should stop wasting their time trying to teach people how they should think and accept that as long as they aren’t breaking the law they should be allowed to live however they want. And what is more, they should stop trying to blame it on social networking. And for God’s sake, stop writing annoying, sissy, health and safety clad, nanny state, cheap, badly written articles about it because it is very late now and every time you do, I have to devote some minutes of my life pointing out to the rest of the world how stupid you are.

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: The Instant Insult Machine

Things That Should Exist is a column by James Trickey. Things suggested are not always good ideas.

Firstly, shut up. This idea may sound stupid but I can completely reassure you that it is in fact 100% pointless, unneeded, antisocial and probably stupid, but, since I said it first, you can take that and shove it somewhere where I’m not looking.

Secondly, this idea may or may not already exist but I don’t care.

And thirdly, here are some fire extinguishers for your own sick amusement.

Onto the subject for today which is, as you might have guessed, an incredible device that allows you to instantly insult your best friends at merely the touch of a button. I know – awesome. As I’ve  clearly stated in the paragraph beginning with ‘secondly’, this may already exist. but this is my own take and what I want my Instasult machine to do.

I’m certain you have (so certain you wouldn’t believe, in fact) that you have accidentally got yourself into an argument that you just can’t be bothered to fight for anymore. This is where the magic happens. Because you’re so damn bored of this person, you can whip out this small (or large) box/tortoise-shaped robot and, at the press of a button, have his mum called fat for some reason.

BAYM!! He feels sad and depressed and you’ve got that smug grin on your face because after the insult the whole crowd went “OOOooooo….R U GONNA TAKE THAT FAM?!?!” and in the end he cannot come up with anything to beat it. These insults would be downloaded at your own pleasure and I’m thinking that an app would be able to send new insult to the machine via your mobile device or such like.

Also, think of the advertising potential. I won’t go into detail, but you can imagine some happy clappy man presenting a machine that AUTOMATICALLY INSULTS YOUR FRIENDS. Sorry for the caps lock, but I just wanted my point to get across one last time.

And, once again, I bid you farewell for another week as I leave to go and do something better, more constructive and that might actually give me some sort of pleasure in my life.

Insert sound from typical comic book here.

Header image from spinningpixels

by Eddie King

Birdwatching: A bite out of the Apple

Bird Watching is a column by Eddie King. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

The Angry Bird has landed! I seem to be the latest contributor to this acclaimed site, and my specialty is getting very angry very quickly about the things that we all get bugged by. I rant and rage for your entertainment and interest so be bloody grateful. For a time I have been flying high, watching, waiting and searching. At last I have chosen a worthy target to reign down my feathery wroth upon: the enigma of the technological world that is Apple.

I first got passionate about Apple when my uncle bought an original iPod Touch back when America still thought it was a good idea to vote for a piece of shrubbery with a particular low IQ for their President. He would taunt me and only let me use it for limited amounts of time (this was back when I was very young as I say) and it was then I decided to prove that Apple as ineffective as a hammock full of cheese. Unfortunately it didn’t work. No matter what I tried or researched, Apple was seemingly brilliant in every way. At this point the rest of my close family had started believing my uncle and I found myself using Apple products loads. Despite this, Apple is still second to Microsoft and, to tell you the truth, it probably will stay that way for a very long time. This is why.

Firstly there is the price. The biggest complaint about Apple internationally is that you have to own several oil fields to be able to afford the parking space outside an Apple Store before actually trying to buy anything, which means at this point only Bill Gates could contemplate this without bankrupting himself. Usually I take the view that price is no object because if something is worth the quality then save a little and buy something that will serve better and for longer, but that is based on the idea that the other product will fall apart soon after you get it home. But let’s be honest – if you wanted to buy a 15” MacBook Pro for normal laptopping purposes you would have to spend at least a thousand pounds. Yes, you get a lump of beautiful aluminium and some impressive specs, but the same money could get you a Dell XPS, an HP Envy that is almost identical in appearance or even a highly customised Alienware M14x with a wallet-melting solid state drive, all of which certainly aren’t going to fall apart the moment you get them home.

The next problem is when you get it home and you start using it you will find that the entire world has a vendetta against your every wish. Compatibility is lots better than it was a few years ago, but even still you will have to get Windows programs such as Microsoft Office and you will have to re-learn most of what you know about computers because, despite OS X Lion (and the upcoming Mountain Lion) being awesome, being raised in a society that uses Windows means that the ropes once again need learning. It will add up. Then there are the over-stylised looks. In the beginning, they were just arrogant, and in the modern day they may be unique, but they are no longer the only good looking laptops out there as other companies are discovering the revolution of ‘metal’. They still look great but not for the excessive price.

To cap it all off, there is the lack of any gaming opportunities. The only games which you can play will cost too much, be out of date and won’t work online. Boot Camp is a convenient solution for running Windows software, but you still have to buy your own copy of Windows and experience torrid battery life, while additionally losing some of the awesome smoothness that has become Apple’s signature.

And yet even though on paper Apple looks to be to Microsoft what the iPad is to the iPod Touch. But, like the iPad, once you try it you seem to feel as though your life will not be able to continue. Apple are here to stay and will continue to be the overpriced thorn that sticks in every sane person’s side; and why? Because, as I found out all those years ago, it just has an annoying habit of working like a dream. Simple smooth and care free, Apple appeals to everyone from technophobes and graphics designers to designer people who want it to look good and those who are convinced that the internet is a little black box kept safe by some super nerds on top of Big Ben. Yes, you can’t play anything except Minecraft on Macs and you have to pay three times as much for the privilege, but, when you are playing the one game that exists, it will be better than most others. What started as an angry rant has turned into a feeling of acceptance. For all their faults no one in their right minds would dare turn an Apple product away. So the choice is yours, respect, a car, a girlfriend and a life, or a super computer made of adamantium.

by James Hardy

Technophobia: The future of television

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

Recently, as services such as Hulu and Netflix have taken off, and as consumers gradually move over to online TV services, is there a future for the television? Admittedly Hulu hasn’t yet hopped the pond to make the service available in the UK, but I’m sure it will only be a matter of time.

I live in Hastings, where a certain John Logie Baird lived, he being the one famed for creating television in 1925. Television has come a long way since then. We have colour TV, for starters, hundreds of channels, and many thousands of shows.

The television is still very popular. 50 million are sold each year. The average North American has three TVs in their house.

I have noticed that I don’t watch as much telly as I used to. One service I find fantastic is TVCatchup, a site where you can watch live TV, with around a ten second delay.

I do like American TV. For instance, in my opinion Community is the best, funniest show on TV right now. Bar none. But living in the UK, I can’t get access to it. So I may or may not allegedly possibly maybe download it a little bit illegally from sites such as isohunt and the now defunct btjunkie. Ahem. I won’t provide links to them due to laws which are trying to be pushed through by certain governments, but there is a thing called Google.

I do find services like iPlayer to be very useful. For instance, when I’ve missed the latest episode of The Apprentice, which seems to be most weeks. Side note – why does Match of the Day never go up on iPlayer? And 4oD is good, but why do they stop you seeing things after 30 days from when they are broadcast? I’m still not sure if I’ve seen the last episode of Peep Show! And as for Demand 5…

I personally don’t have an account to Hulu, Lovefilm or anything like that. I have tried out Netflix at someone else’s house, and I have to say, I like it. I like being able to watch that many shows and films whenever I want. Of course, Netflix also do a delivery service, though not in Britain, probably due to competition from Lovefilm, but I reckon that will die out quite soon.

It’s nice having shows whenever, because it is unbearable waiting til Thursday for the next Community episode (or Friday when I can download the thing). But at the same time that’s part of the fun. I think it just shows how lazy we humans are getting. We want everything whenever we feel like it, we don’t won’t to have to wait. Is that a good thing?

At the moment, in the US the rate of people moving from TV to internet services like Netflix is less than 1% per year. It isn’t a massive change. Yet.

I think Netflix and Hulu need to get bigger and better before they will become massive. They need a larger selection of films and TV shows, and they need them quicker – as the series is happening, for instance.

Recently companies have started to produce smart TVs, where you can connect to the internet and get apps through them, but for me while they’re trying to make a television that can also do more, I think it is more like a computer that doubles as a television. With a bigger screen.

I think the humble TV will go on fighting for a while yet. It will take time to completely kill it off.

Some flies are too awesome for the wall. (I know it doesn’t really make sense, I just wanted to end with a Community quote.)

This article was originally published on Stuff Things Rants

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: Self-Ruling Rulers

I’m back, and although I’m not exactly sure how many people actually care about this, I’m gonna say it anyway to pretend I have people who enjoy reading my posts. So yeah, I’m sorry for missing last week, but I really couldn’t be bothered. There. That is my excuse. If you don’t like it, then I apologise for my inappropriate and unreasonable reason.

Anyway, back to what this is really about – things that should exist – and this week we have the brilliant idea of self-ruling rulers. This comes from a wide range of people but the main source I have is myself. This idea came about because I’m sick and tired of misreading measurements and drawing incorrect lines. Also, if I happen to be working with someone else on a project, then this will save me always getting the blame for something either so minor or something that if not correct could end up in DIY disaster.

This ruler would be a lot thinner than a regular 30cm/12″ ruler, and have a small LCD screen. This would have a little sensor on the bottom that can detect lines drawn in either pen or pencil. A little message would appear on the screen telling you the length or thickness of the line or something along those lines. Of course you will be able to change what measurement appears, from such units as centimetres, metres, inches and even miles for the idiots. You could also have a premium model that comes with a little touch display, allowing you to punch in a measurement and a laser would pop out of the side showing you exactly what to draw.This would solve the petty little arguments that you have with your friend on whether it actually is a 9.2cm line and not a 9.25cm line.

This could obviously work along with tape measures, as they come out at a certain length and have a small reading given on the handle. It would prevent getting a wrong reading and then not being able to fit that sofa through the door and having to end up leaving it in the wrong room.

Don’t pretend you don’t think that this is a good idea though because, for once, this is actually something that could be useful in the future. Now feel free to do anything you like, so long as it isn’t world-changing or affects me. Have fun and be prepared for next week, where I will return.

Unless I don’t.

Boom.

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: Bins that aren’t rubbish

Another week means another thing that should exist and this week we move onto the big topic of bins, and how improving them in certain ways could make no change in our lives whatsoever apart from the occasional moment of joy or entertainment at the expense of you putting an unwanted item in a bin.

We start with the obvious talking bin. I’ve heard that some talking bins already exist but I’m talking about a bin that powers itself either with solar power or recycling the items that the person places into the bin, such as biodegrading an apple. Yes, this is not something either productive or useful, but a bin that will pleasantly tell you a joke or give you a “fun fact” will send you merrily on your way for the rest of the day. As well as having them talk to you, they could look like some of your favourite cartoon characters such as SpongeBob SquarePants or your everyday talking dog.

Bins

As well as having bins talk to you every time you throw something away, another pretty pointless feature that could be adapted to bins is the option to spray the user in the face with some sort of water or energy drink. That way, every time you recycle or help the environment by throwing something away, you get a lovely refreshing spray of nice cold water to drink or wash your face with.

Lucozade Revive

And think of the advertising potential!

To be honest, that is all I can think of for the huge amounts of fun you can have with bins, but if any of you people can think of anything else, let myself or someone important know.

Kapow.

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: Electric slippers

This week I want to talk about something that I do in fact hold very close to my heart: my slippers.

Overall. and slightly off topic I admit, I have to say that slippers are completely underrated. They come in all different shapes and sizes ranging from small ones to big ones. I know – fantastic idea. There are also so many different designs. You could, for example, go for a pair that looks like a furry little animal or just a simple plain blue pair. Or, if you’re really cool, go for a pair that look like feet.

Foot Slippers

Now – back on to my main point about what should exist somewhere in the whole wide world. Warm-up slippers are my first idea for these wonderful devices. I’ve seen things like this but I’m not talking about slippers that you can put in the microwave to heat up before you wear them. I’m talking about slippers that you can actually switch on with a small electrical heater somewhere in the shoe.

I feel that I could greatly benefit from this as I tend not to wear socks at home so, when my feet are getting a bit chilly, I could simply slip on a pair of electric slippers! Of course you’d have to sort out the safety features, and make sure they don’t set on fire, but otherwise I feel this could be a great invention.

My next idea is for the people who normally clean up after themselves and have to do some sort of housework every now and again. The idea is that you can magnetise the soles of the slippers, using some sort of magical thing that I don’t really understand, so that, as you walk around the house, in your bedroom, on your carpet or wherever, your slippers pick up any stray dust around the house.

This would save you using a vacuum so often and it would be operated by a switch so that you can get rid of all the dust on your slipper and also so you can choose when to have it on or not. Also, I feel it would generally be very entertaining to see what you would be able to pick up, such as a pin or something.

A brilliant idea that came from someone very close to me. They suggested a pair of vibrating or massaging slippers. These would be perfect for those people who just can’t get enough massaging. I don’t know how they would work, but I can just imagine lying down on a sofa or my bed watching something or playing on my Xbox/PS3 whilst my slippers rub my feet for just the expense of some batteries (assuming they’re battery-powered).

That’s about it for this week and I hope you all go out now and actually value how brilliant your slippers could be, if you own a pair and sometimes bother to wear them.

by James Trickey

Things That Should Exist: Multi-bottle-bottles

Have you ever felt that you need a drink when you’re out and about? I have and that’s a fact. But have you ever had the feeling that after having a drink of coke or lemonade, that you want another different tasting drink, but you don’t want to pack more than one bottle as it will weigh too much?

Well fear no more you drink-whores! Presenting the Multi-bottle-bottle!

The Multi-bottle-bottle is a new type of bottle that is going to blow your mind with its four separate containers that can swivel around a fixed tube running up the spine. Each container has a separate straw/lid and allows you to finally have a range of different drinks all in one container. Each one can be personalised with labels and stickers and whatever the fish you want!

Here is a crappy little diagram of what it is supposed to do and the general idea but you can imagine what it would actually look like. You can say all you want but I am am proud of myself to have achieved something like this on Paint.

This is an idea I had not too long ago but, when I hatched it, I realised that this would be fantastic. Imagine having 4 different drinks in one bottle so that you can mix and match at your desire. Have you ever thought seriously about how boring it is to just one bottle with the same boring drink in it? Of course you haven’t, but you should. Only then can you finally realise how essential this product is to maintain something fresh to your taste buds and to keep you satisfied with the solution you are putting into your body.

You don’t even have to have four different drinks in it. If you wanted, you could use it solely for water, although that sort of defeats the point of the Multi-bottle-bottle and you could instead have a regular bottle. However, I will not say that this is a completely pointless idea, because it is so simple, yet so brilliant and you should all travel out to wherever your local shop is and demand a new Multi-bottle-bottle. Also, feel free to talk about how amazing this would be in public.