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Posts by James Hardy

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by James Hardy

Technophobia: I used to think of original jokes, but then I took an arrow to the knee

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

I woke up not so long ago, and thought I’d gone mad. About half the people on YouTube seemed to have mysteriously taken arrows to their knees, which meant they couldn’t do certain things which they’d used to be able to do. I did find it sort of weird, but then I thought hang on a minute, maybe the Mayans weren’t so mad after all. Maybe this was the beginning of the apocalypse.

Anyway, after trawling through YouTube trying to find explanation for this weird happening, I stumbled upon a few comments written by people I could relate to, who were equally bamboozled by this arrow to the knee thing:

WTF is this arrow to the knee?

Can one of u gay fags tell me what this arro to the nee thing is?

Or something along those lines. We all know how incompetent and horrible YouTube commenters can be.

Anyhoo, turns out it is something to do with Skyrim. Apparently one of the guards in it says that he used to be able to do something or other, but then he took an arrow to the knee.

Now, I haven’t played Skyrim. (OMG you haven’t played Skyrim? WTF! You haven’t lived man!) I don’t have a problem with it. But, I have to admit, I don’t really see the humour in this. I don’t know, maybe it is incredibly funny, and I just don’t get it. If so, please feel free to explain the joke in the comments below. But I honestly don’t get it. Are we allowed to do this with any game? Here is a (probably wrong) quote from FIFA:

‘And you have to wonder how on earth he has missed that.’

I used to (insert something related to video) but then I wondered how on earth he missed that.

Am I now an incredible comedian? I honestly don’t see how this is any less funny that the arrow to the knee thing.

And you will find it in the comments section of every single fricking video!

‘I used to shout Fenton but then I took an arrow to the knee’

‘I used to see trampolines fly past my house but then I took an arrow to the knee’

These will be repeated in some form in half the comments on the video! And people like this crap! Err…why? It isn’t funny, it isn’t original and it doesn’t make sense!

So please, refrain from quoting anything anywhere that is at all related to arrows, knees or Skyrim.

And don’t even get me started on Fus Ro Dah.

by James Hardy

Technophobia: Stop changing Facebook!

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

So now, apparently, we have to make a timeline of our lives on Facebook. Well no, Mark Zuckerberg, contrary to your belief, most people that use Facebook don’t spend their whole lives on it. Yes, there may be a select few that do in fact have Facebook as their home page, and spend ten hours each day constantly refreshing their news feed waiting for one of their nine hundred friends to write some bullshit about their ex.

Which brings me onto another point: Facebook statuses. Only post statuses which most of your friends will be able to understand. These are genuine examples from some of my Facebook friends.

OMG that was actually soo funny hahahahaha
Why waste your breath apologising? #Idiot.
You couldn’t trust him but you never said no.
Fucking twat. Why would u do that?
Ur 2 good 4 him hun. Dont take his shit.

Really? Maybe to two or three of your friends these will make perfect sense. Who knows, you could be a comical genius. But 95% of your friends will have no clue as to what is going on. Don’t bother. Save your breath.
Don’t get arthritis. Just text the friends that will understand!

This leads (sort of) on to my next point. Facebook ‘friends’. I think I have added perhaps a dozen people on Facebook. Everyone else has added me. Because to be honest, I can’t be arsed. I don’t use facebook all that much, at least not compared to some. I have 200 friends. This is a tiny amount compared to most of my friends. I kid you not, the person who wrote the first status above has over 1000 friends. One thousand friends! That is quite frankly, ridiculous. Nobody knows a thousand proper friends. It is just a lie. If I meet someone while on holiday in Mongolia for a few minutes, and add them on Facebook, they are not my friend. Life doesn’t work like that! Having thousands of Facebook friends doesn’t necessarily make you popular.

In that respect, I like Google+. They have circles set up for acquaintances, friends and family. And really, most of your facebook friends would should go in acquaintances. You could have 1000 acquaintances. You don’t have 1000 friends.

Note: That was sort of bullshit. I don’t even use Google+. I just know they have acquaintances.

Anyhoo, back to the main point. I have looked at someone’s profile with the timeline thing. It is confusing! As human beings, we do not like change. That is a fact. So if, Mark Zuckerberg, you change Facebook every month, people are going to be pissed off. Stop doing it!

And finally, to people who aren’t on Facebook. I don’t think that you are some strange, messed up people. I salute you. You are the black sheep. You have resisted Mark Zuckerberg’s attempts to get the whole world on Facebook.

Unlike the rest of us. The Zuckerzombies.

Don’t forget to like us on Facebook!

by James Hardy

Technophobia: What’s with all the #hashtags?

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

A couple of months ago I set up a Twitter account. I haven’t been on it since. I don’t have (much of) a problem with Twitterers. I just don’t really get Twitter. I don’t give a toss if you’ve just had a shit. End of.

To me, Twatter Twitter just seems to be away for random people to legally stalk you. In fact, it’s encouraged! Is that wear society is heading? Instead of actually having to follow them and duck behind a parked car every time they look round, you just have to use a computer. It takes all the fun out of it.

I could sort of understand if you’re a celebrity then in might be a good way to let your fans know what you’re doing. But for a normal person? Why would you want to post tweets? Are there seriously going to be that many people who want to follow you? Just use Facebook. It’s not that bad!

OK, I get hashtags. It could be kind of useful if people want to talk about the same thing on Twitter. Xavier tells me that he found out about Gadhafi’s death by monitoring Twitter trends but, as I write this, some of the UK’s trending topics include #askmamakelly and the rumoured name of Lady GaGa’s new tour. Granted, these make a welcome change from crazed teenage girls who shouldn’t even be on Twitter wishing their favourite auto-tuned wannabe popstars goodnight and threatening to kill someone for going out with Justin bloody Bieber, but still, who actually gives a crap?

Even worse than this is the type of Twitterer who is so obsessed with the microblogging service that they use them in normal written text. NOOO! It’s not right! We can still write like normal, sane human beings. We haven’t completely sold our souls to social networking. Or have we?

Example:

‘You think it’s OK to do that? #dickhead’

No! You’re the dickhead for using a hashtag in normal writing! You’re not on Twitter. Leave hashtags where they belong!

So please, if you’re ever writing on a blog/Facebook/whatever, never, ever use a hashtag.

It just pisses people off. Or is it just me?

#stopthehashtag

(Do, however, follow Digixav on Twitter. We welcome your hashtags there! – ed)

Image from DeviantArt

by James Hardy

Technophobia: Why you shouldn’t buy a CrackBerry

Technophobia is a column by James Hardy. Views expressed are not necessarily those of Digixav.

In spring this year, I bought a new phone. I’d looked around for a while for the best deal. As it turned out, I got a pretty decent one. Free phone plus £12 pounds per month, 1GB of internet, around 100 minutes and some (but not enough) texts with a 24 month contract on Virgin. I had a choice between a BlackBerry Curve 8520 and a HTC Wildfire S. I went for the BlackBerry. Not a good decision.

For starters, it turns out Virgin are a bunch of wankers. Over the summer, I went on holiday abroad. For this, I rang Virgin up and got them to turn my internet off so when I returned I didn’t have a phone bill which was in the squillions. After numerous phone calls, this went OK. When I got back, I rang them back up to get them to switch it back on. Two weeks later, nothing had happened. Many hours of frustrating phone calls to some call centre in Uzbekistan later, I finally got through to someone who seemed to know vaguely what they were talking about who assured me all would be sorted. Almost two months after my initial phone call, I still didn’t have internet. After many stressful hours of my life which I will never get back, finally my internet got switched on. And the signal I get is pretty horrendous. And a 24 month contract! What was I thinking? I am now stuck with a phone which I don’t like for the next 18 months.

Virgin hatred over, I shall move on to the phone itself.

First of all, the BlackBerry App World. It is appalling. The free apps you find which are actually worth keeping for more than a week are all but non-existent. I have found one so far: Pixelated. The fact that graphics, quality and controls are pretty limited on the phone is going to be a pretty big drawback for any app developers.

The internet on the Curve is slow. Seriously slow. It can take upwards of a minute just to load a page like BBC Sport. For a phone to be released in 2009 without a GSM 3G radio was an abysmal oversight by RIM, and it was something that I assumed would be present when I signed my contract. The camera on it is also pretty dire. I think it’s 2MP. The picture quality is very poor and it won’t let you record a video unless you buy a memory card. Some people do not have a microSD card handy, and I wouldn’t even want to film in jerky and blurry whatever the crappy resolution is.

The phone struggles with multitasking. Far too often that irritating little timer appears in the middle of the screen, signalling the fact that I won’t be able to do anything until it disappears, normally at least 30 seconds later. At times the timer just doesn’t go away, so I am forced to take the battery out and put it in again, which means the phone decides to take a good five minutes to restart itself. Sometimes, when it’s doing god knows what, it takes more than half a minute just to respond to me pressing the unlock key.

And there are annoying little niggles with it. When I press the mute button to unlock the phone, it takes me straight to the music screen. It’s small, but annoying. Although it has fixed itself now, for a while the zoom on the camera didn’t work. And when you open the QR code scanner, if you don’t scan a code then you can’t close it, so you are forced to take the battery out and put it in again.

As you no doubt know, a couple of months ago, BlackBerry service shut down, for no apparent reason. And it wasn’t a complete internet thing; I could still use a Flixster app to get movie reviews, even though it needs the internet to work. The communication from RIM was a nightmare. I thought it was just my phone until I asked other BlackBerry owners. Then, they announced it was back up and running. Which it wasn’t. A few days later, it finally got back on. There was no explanation from RIM, just an apology with a few crappy apps, most of which refused to run on my 512MHz CPU.

I am focusing on the bad bits of the Curve here. There are good points too. BBM is a very good service when nobody flicks a switch in Slough. The phone looks great, and feels sturdy and well-built. The trackpad works very smoothly, and the layout of the phone is great.

RIM can change for the better. With QNX and the promise of Android apps coming to BlackBerry devices will vastly improve the shoddy software experience. If the next generations of phones come equipped with ‘4G’  LTE and HSPA+ radios then the internet problems will be gone. If BBM can stay up and running whenever we need it and they open it up at last to owners of Android, iOS and other smartphones then it will become the dominant mobile messaging platform. iMessage and ChatOn will die. Design quality seems to be getting better as I would say the new Bold 9900 looks very nice and the touch interaction is useful and the cameras are much improved on newer devices. Dual core or even quad core chips will bring the hardware specs in line with the high end Android handsets and will make the software less laggy and therefore more desirable. It’s not all doom and gloom for RIM.

So, I wouldn’t say that BlackBerries are terrible phones. My 8520 is not bad. It just needs a lot of work on it. RIM need to give it a better processor, a better camera that we expect from new smartphones, a much better wireless antenna like the Pearl and fix the software bugs. They should speed up the internet and give the graphics an upgrade, and find a way to encourage app developers to use the App World more. When BBX launches, it will entice developers but RIM need to make some massive overhauls for them to stay around and forget about iOS and Android.

But, for now, I’m just stuck with this phone for the next 18 months of my life.

Bollocks.