Another month brings another Apple event, and this time we expect to see a whole plethora of new and updated devices, spearheaded by the iPad Mini. Rumoured to have a 7.85″ 1024 x 768 display and a design similar to that of the new iPod Touch, this device looks set to sport a low price tag to take on the Nexus 7 and company. Rumour also has it that the existing iPad will receive a minor update with a Lightning connector and 4G in more territories (such as with EE in the UK) and the Mac family will get minor updates across the board, with the highlight being a 13″ Retina MacBook Pro. We also expect to hear a bit more about iTunes 11 tonight, but whatever happens we will be around to liveblog proceedings on this very page. Enjoy!
That screen sounds absolutely incredible.
You can talk to iPads.
USB 3.0 is now infiltrating.
Nobody likes massively oversized laptops.
Siri likes fridges, mocks Samsung.
Open Monsters Ate My Condo.
The Mac Pro isn’t dead!
Why did you expect iPhones?
Maps are the way forward.
Apple will survive without Steve.
FaceTime over cellular is pointless.
Want Ivy Bridge with that?
Sharing from notifications is egotistical.
Facebook is still a thing.
At least Ping is dead.
So you got yourself a Mac. You have invested in the Apple ecosystem and you’re probably new to all of this. Before you get all cocky and consider yourself to be a rich computer god, you need to think a few things through.
Step 1: Telling everyone
First, and arguably most importantly, is you are not, repeat NOT, a ‘computer overlord’. You just have an overpriced computer with a glowing piece of fruit on the back. Yes, Macs are cool, but bragging is not. Let’s start on how to tell your friends. Telling them through a computer is OK, but think before you post.
This is not the way to tell people. You will lose a lot of friends very quickly. Instead of them going…
You’re the guy with the Mac, right? You’re epic!
It will be more like…
You got a Mac? Screw you. Did you know that millions of little Chinese kids died making that?
This is the way you should do it. It shows your friends that you consider yourself equal to them while humanising yourself with the admission of being a noob. Your friends will coincidentally become closer and will be always be asking to have a look.
Now you have your Mac and your friends all love you, you might think to make a movie. Well, I did anyway.
Step 2: Making your first movie
Macs are often used by creative people and, as such, many creative programs exist for content production on OS X. If you are just an amateur who wants to get started, you should use Apple’s own iMovie software, preinstalled as part of the iLife suite on every new Mac. It is very simple and has loads of bundled themes and effects, but they aren’t necessarily the best things to go for.
The option of a built-in theme is possibly the the worst idea for any film-maker seeking their own identity. I know you’re (probably) not George Lucas, but, with its crappy music and terrible transitions, any video like this uploaded to the internet will be trolled from all sides, posted on forums and ripped to shreds by haters. All the comments will be by pathetic idiots with nothing constructive to say. Expect things along the lines of…
ur a default n00b
i hope you never reproduce
worse than beiber
Using the “No Theme” option will boost your creativity and spread your wings. giving you billions of new options that will allow you to build a film that is your own. If you go down the individual route, creating your own transitions and design, it will take longer but, done well, you may get some better responses.
I hope you win the lottery! 😀
Look out Hollywood!
The dislike bar is smaller than Justin Bieber’s penis!!!
So, with only one small change in the settings, you will be a movie making legend.
After a small amount of time, your shiny Mac will start to fill up with programs, movies and pictures. What happens then?
Step 3: Clearing up the mess
You have been on your Mac for a month or two now, but you must remember its not a PC. It’s a Mac. Desktop items should be non-existent. So, if you spend your time dragging funny pictures off Facebook, you should stop right now.
Well done. You have destroyed everything your Mac stands for with your custom background and your jumbled mess. If this was a human, I’d shoot it in the face. Do the people around you a favour and clear it up. Until you clear up that mess, don’t even think about talking to me. Why the heck do you have all those stupid pictures on your desktop? Sort it out!
That’s better. First, make some folders. An original Apple background or a minimalist image is definitely the best for your computer, with a maximum of 3 folders present on your desktop. Don’t just make a folder called “Everything” either. There is no point and I will hunt you down.
Now you have mastered things like the desktop, you might want to mess about with the settings.
Step 4: Changing the settings
One thing I hate about people with Macs is them changing the settings. They spend their time mucking around with the background change time and dock position. Why? Don’t you think Apple tried hard enough to make sure your experience good enough? It’s people like you that make Steve turn in his grave.
Look at this! You have changed the settings so that you get a different background every 5 seconds! Other then your computer lagging all the time and overheating when it try’s to go into standby, life’s perfect. You can see a different colourful default background every 5 seconds when not looking at your background! Well done. Slow clap GIF for you. Let me go post a Facebook status about it.
Wait a second. Where’s the dock? Oh, you put it on the side.
WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT IS THE POINT? SERIOUSLY! WHY DID YOU THINK THAT THE LEFT HAND OF YOUR SCREEN NEEDED MORE LOVE? WHAT ABOUT EVERY TIME YOU TRY TO CLOSE A WINDOW?
Instant improvement. Seeing the dock in its rightful place makes me feel a lot calmer. I’m happy to say that I would love to use this Mac. Go into any Apple Store and you will see all the computers are set up like this. Why? Because that is how it is meant to be. Sir Jony Ive does things for a reason.
When I get stressed like to listen to some music on iTunes or Spotify.
Step 5: Listening to music
As a movie maker, I have quite a few sound effects in my iTunes library. Sometimes I forget this and sit down listening to some deadmau5 on shuffle when *BANG* I am shot through the brain with some gun sound effect I forgot to put in a folder.
When I sit down at my friends computer and see this I almost want to cry. Yes, it has sorted into automatic playlists, but there is one separate playlist of one song! What is this madness? Also, I will be listening to some Alex Day when the wrong deadmau5 song will come on and ruin my happy clappy poppy mood!
This is the way it should be done. All my sound effects, audiobooks, music and voice memos have their own places and don’t get mixed up. I can continue to listen to my music in peace.
Now you know how to use a Mac. Have a GIF!
I have taught you all you need to avoid noobing out. Stick to these rules and you will experience your Mac as Apple intended. You will love it and it’s all thanks to me. Whenever somebody you care about gets a Mac, do the right thing and send them here. It’s the only way to be certain that they will make the most of the fruits of Apple’s labour.
Happy Maccing everyone!